This is not going to be worthy of being the first post on this site but since this just happened this morning and I don't want to forget I am going to forge ahead...
In my closest relationship, one of us has great listening skills and the other is very quick at verbal skills (not great but just quick!). One of us came from a family where there was much heated quick discussion and you had to jump in quickly if you wanted to say anything. There may have been a pause in the conversation one time in 1968... Believe it or not, interrupting (to that person) means you are listening; if someone isn't paying attention or their mind is wandering there might be a pause - bad sign. One of us is more introverted and needs time to get their thoughts out... they need to be allowed pauses without interruption. When they are interrupted they feel hurt and that they aren't being listened to and their ideas aren't being validated. So the idea was suggested this morning (after watching a movie where the lead character would mirror back what the person said to the other's satisfaction before responding) that we should try that. I am excited about this! I think it sounds like fun and I very much want to improve my listening skills. As I am writing this I am thinking I should delete this because "duh, this is what all the marriage books say" and I guess I've heard this a million times before but for some reason it sounded so fresh to me and exciting! I'll let you know how it goes.
One problem I foresee is if the mirroring is never accepted - - "No that's not what I mean" when it's exactly what the person just said!!! (Ha! I've bet you've all been there!!) Any suggestions? Has this worked continuously for anybody out there?
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Mom, Erik and I deal with that all the time! The problem I have found with this is that when I mirror back, I tend to add in either words or intonations of what I thought he meant in an accusing way. This happens when I am upset with him for some reason. I think what I should do is mirror what I think he means, not what I think he means. Then if I think he is implying something negative ask him, "Are you trying to say...?" That gives him the opportunity to clear things up. Let me know if you come up with anything helpful.
I'm a little confused. Do you do this mirroring thing all the time, or just during an argument? I've never heard of it before.
Oh and mom, there's one rule that I made up. You're not allowed to make apologies for your posts, like saying they're 'not worthy to be the first posts.' Because they are!
To answer your question, Erica, no we weren't talking about arguments but it might be even more important then. We were talking about unheated discussions about theology or whatever. You know how we love to discuss all manner of things but I guess this problem keeps frustrating one of us.
I have nothing to add about the mirroring thing (though I'm going to try it on people), but I did want to say that whoever designed this blog did such a great job! The design and photos are so cute! Was it Julie? Erica?
Elizabeth and I learned about the mirroring thing (which we called the speaker-listener technique) in our pre-marital counseling, and found it to be extremely helpful especially when a discussion is about to turn into a heated argument, because a) it keeps everything calm, and b) it ensures that the speaker's view is understood by both parties before the next person can rebut. We like it!
Yea! So happy to hear from M.A. and David - Erica helped me get the pic in the right place and set it up but it wasn't too hard. I actually could do a lot of it myself.
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